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snorkeled with manta rays night before last. It really was magical. It would swoop up within inches of us, gathering plankton in it's huge maw. I was secretly hoping to get smacked by one of its "wings" but only one man got the privilege. We weren't to touch them but they could touch us. If we go scuba diving with them one night before we leave maybe I'll get more up close and personal with one of them. I searched for a good video of manta rays and you can see it here if you're interested. If you're ever on the Big Island, you should definitely take the opportunity to enjoy these magical creatures. Here's the video
In this issue:
1) Your Beliefs Control Your Relationship
2) Let Challenges Become Precious Gifts
1) Your Beliefs Control Your Relationship
Do you know what your beliefs are regarding your partner, your relationship, you? Well, even if you don't, they still control your life. Your beliefs color your responses, expectations and judgments. To have more choice in how happy you are, it's important to discover your beliefs and transform any limiting beliefs you have. There is a way to find out what those beliefs are and transform those that create disharmony for you.
Many of our beliefs are picked up as children through our family, many are cultural and surround us, and some we pick up from past experiences throughout our life. Because they're mostly unconscious, and can cause such problems for us, it's a good idea to find out what those beliefs are so you can take charge of your life. So here's an exercise for you. You may find you don't want to do it, or can't afford the time, or some other reason. But I invite you to look at it as an investment in your own happiness because it will give you clarity about yourself and your relationship that you never had before. And as far as time, how much time do you spend watching TV? Is your relationship and your own happiness worth less than a TV show? Of course it isn't. So do this exercise as you would a personal day at the spa. It won't take any longer than a nice massage or facial and it's well worth the wisdom and insight you'll gain. Be sure and do this during private quite time when you won't be disturbed by the telephone, email, or someone needing your time or attention. This is about you and your happiness.
Step #1: Make a list of twenty beliefs you have about love, marriage, men, and being in a committed relationship. Write them all down, good and bad, and don't judge them. Just keep writing until you have twenty. maybe a belief might be that marriage is difficult, or men can't be trusted, or love shouldn't hurt. Maybe you believe that there's nothing more blissful than being in a committed relationship or having a man who loves you adds sparkle to every aspect of your life.
Make your list now...
Step #2: Make a list of twenty beliefs you have about your partner. What do you like about him, what irritates you, how is he your hero, how does he fall short of your expectations, in what ways is he your soul mate. Everything you can think of, good, bad, and don't judge any item on your list. Maybe he's not as romantic as you'd like him to be or maybe he's really supportive of your work.
Make your list now...
Step #3: Make a list of twenty beliefs you have about yourself. What do you like about yourself, what don't you like, what are you proud of, how good a friend, partner, lover are you. Write everything you can think of, good and bad, and don't judge any of it. Maybe you're a great cook, or you're impatient with your partner, or you're great in bed.
Make your list now...
Step #4: Now you have 3 lists. What I want you to do is to rate them as positive or negative from your perspective by putting a plus or minus along the left side. After you've done that look hard at each item on your list and determine if it is helping to make you happy and helping create a good relationship or not. On those items that are helping, put a star.
Step #5: Now make 3 new lists. Put each item that has a star on each of the 3 new lists. Put a star by those. Next, go back to those that do not have a star, and probably have a minus by them, and turn them into something positive and write them on your new lists. If you had "I'm too fat" on your list about yourself, transform it into something like, "My body is healthy and vibrant and I take good care of it." Make it something that you know would make you happy and would make your relationship better. If you put, "He never helps around the house," then change it to, "He looks for ways to make my life easier." These transformed beliefs don't have to be true in the moment, but the fact that you can imagine them says they can become your reality.
Step #6: On a scale of one to ten, how badly would you like each of those transformed beliefs to become your reality? Your immediate reaction might be, "I want them all to become reality, and I want it right now." But I invite you to really look hard at each item and determine from the perspective of, "How will this make me happier, how will this make my partner happier and how will this improve our relationship?" When you look at it from that perspective, you'll see that some things on your list are just not worth your time and energy and should be let go of. For those, look at how you can let go of caring about them.
Step #7: On the items with an 8, 9 or 10, make a plan to turn it into a reality so that the statements you created become true. This might not be easy, but if it will truly make you and your partner happier and will improve your relationship, is it worth it? You bet it is. But remember, this is a new habit I'm asking you to develop. Like beginning a work-out program, you will have lots of reasons not to do it, or to put it off. You will have "sore muscles" that you want to give a rest. But the only way to build new habits, to strengthen your "love muscles" is to remind yourself why you're doing it. Remind yourself that the benefits will be you being happier, him being happier, and your relationship being more fulfilling.
I'd love to hear what insights you gained from doing this exercise so please use my contact form to share with me. Or, if you have questions, maybe you don't know how to get him to help around the house, please write to me and ask for advice. I'll share it in the next newsletter (with your identity kept private) because for sure, you won't be the only one struggling with those same issues. Actually, I'm going to do it as well and see what I come up with. Maybe I'll have Chris do it too. If you have a partner who is willing, it could be enlightening for both of you and put you on the same page of wanting to make your relationship as good as it can possibly be.
2) Let Challenges Become Precious Gifts
Creating and working with the list above will, no doubt, bring up some issues that you might not want to look at. Or it might create some anger you didn't realize you had or had tucked away to avoid looking at it. Instead of allowing them to upset you, which only wastes precious energy, look at each with the question, "What is the lesson in this?" By lesson I mean how can it stretch you, help you grow, help you let go and become happier. So much of what interferes with our day-to-day enjoyment of life is stuff that's buried beneath the surface.
It's not always easy to access this deeply hidden information so I've found it helpful to ask your unconscious while in a relaxed state. You can learn to go into this relaxed state by listening online or downloading the Relaxation Meditation here
Any time you seek answers from what I call your Inner Wise Woman you can use this meditation. After you're relaxed simply ask for whatever information you seek. It's quite amazing how you can access what's buried within you. You'll know if it's true for you by how it feels in your gut or your heart. If it doesn't quite feel right, keep asking. Sometimes the answer doesn't come right then. Be patient. Just the asking will often bring the answer later on, maybe in the shower, on a walk, as you wake in the morning. I often ask for what I seek right as I'm drifting off to sleep. My unconscious works on it and the answer often arrives as I'm waking up. Did you realize how magical you are?
From my heart to yours,
The Heart Whisperer (TM)
Kara Oh
Your Relationship Coach
My Philosophy
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